It seems that there is a direct correlation between my eating habits and how structured and happy my life is. I've been weak and I keep caving to cravings. I have been completely careless about what I'm letting in my body. And now I'm paying the price. I'm back up to 125 and I feel disgusting. When everything in my life was falling apart, Ana was keeping me happy and I've let her down. I need her fully back in my life. I hate food so much. I don't know why I'd ever pick food over her. Eating is like doing bad drugs. It makes you happy for those few moments when you're enjoying the high of eating, but it generally makes your life more unhappy.
Yesterday I didn't eat all day. But when I got home I went on a binge of fake eating (chew and spitting). I hate doing that but I really can't help myself sometimes. I try to be really careful about not swallowing any food (good girls don't swallow) but its really hard to prevent any food from falling down your throat. But when I do notice that I have accidentally swallowed food, I stick my fingers down my throat and force the food to come back up. Its a really effective way to regirgitate food. I just can't make myself throw up all the way. I'm going to keep trying though.
I need to get to 110. That's 15 disgusting pounds away. Today I drank a lite Muscle Milk drink which was 140 cals and 20gs of protein. After class I am going to the gym for as long as possible. I need to get to 110. I just have to.