Back on Track

It seems that there is a direct correlation between my eating habits and how structured and happy my life is. I've been weak and I keep caving to cravings. I have been completely careless about what I'm letting in my body. And now I'm paying the price.  I'm back up to 125 and I feel disgusting. When everything in my life was falling apart, Ana was keeping me happy and I've let her down. I need her fully back in my life. I hate food so much. I don't know why I'd ever pick food over her. Eating is like doing bad drugs. It makes you happy for those few moments when you're enjoying the high of eating, but it generally makes your life more unhappy.

Yesterday I didn't eat all day. But when I got home I went on a binge of fake eating (chew and spitting). I hate doing that but I really can't help myself sometimes. I try to be really careful about not swallowing any food (good girls don't swallow) but its really hard to prevent any food from falling down your throat. But when I do notice that I have accidentally swallowed food, I stick my fingers down my throat and force the food to come back up. Its a really effective way to regirgitate food. I just can't make myself throw up all the way. I'm going to keep trying though.

I need to get to 110. That's 15 disgusting pounds away. Today I drank a lite Muscle Milk drink which was 140 cals and 20gs of protein. After class I am going to the gym for as long as possible. I need to get to 110. I just have to.

Sweet, Sweet, Success

Sorry I haven't updated in a while! Ive been insanely busy with school, literally reading and studying non-stop. But, guess what? I reached my goal. I now weigh 119.5 pounds! My measurements are 32-24.5-35 and I am a size 2!
Finally I sound like a model!! I'm only 5' 7.5' tall but I will tell agencies or whoever that I'm 5'8. 5 foot 8, 122 lbs, size 2. Lovely! I'm not satified though. My back doesn't look thin enough and my butt and legs are still too big. Models are like 5ft9 and 110 pounds. So I need to get smaller. My new goal is 115. Yay!

Its amazing how easy this has been. I just don't want to eat. Especially since I was on adderall this entire weekend, I literally had to remind and force myself to eat here and there just to make sure I wouldn't pass out or anything.

For the past week, I haven't eaten anything other than total cereal, soy milk, yogurt and cottage cheese and coffee. I don't really care to eat anything else. I get cravings sometimes but I just think about how skinny I am now and how I got here and then the food seems disgusting to me.

I know Ive been lazy with the updates but Ive just been so busy. I really need to go put my clothes away right now and start some homework. But Im going to put up new pics soon! Promise! Maybe later today.

I had the MOST amazing time this weekend. And so much of that was due to Ana. I was wearing high heel boots and little booty shorts and I felt like a go-go dancer. I felt so skinny and confident. I danced the night away noticed how much stronger my legs were and how much better I was able to dance. It was so much fun!!!! Heres me from the party:

Everyone couldn't stop telling me how amazing my body looked and how skinny I was =) I was FINALLY that girl. The girl I always saw myself as. My legs are still too big but thats okay, I'm soooo getting there!!

So I went kind of crazy this weekend. From saturday to sunday I probably ate 2000 each day. Maybe more, maybe less. Im not too sure, I wasn't counting. I had 2 slices of pizza and a cup of ice cream and a few small pieces of birthday cake. I had other various small things. So I might have been under 2000 per day, but Im not too sure. It was a crazy weekend.

But today I weighed myself. I stepped on the scale and closed my eyes, terrified to see weight gain after my indulgence this weekend. But I opened my eyes to see 123!!!! I guess I wasn't so bad after all. Now atleast, my metabolism is probably way up from all the eating.

Yesterday, Monday, I started easing myself back into my Ana life. I ate:

1 cup Total cereal with soy milk- 150

Few bites of chedder cheese- 70

2 large glasses of soy and skim milk- 200

Granola bar- 200

Can of plain tuna in water- 80

So around 700 calories and all high protein. Not so bad. But not good enough. Today I am fasting to really kick my body into Ana mode. I want to get to 120 already!! So far I've eaten:

2 cups of coffee with skim milk- 40

Sugar free redbull- 10

Vitamin gummy bears (4)- 30

Vitamin water (1 bottle) - 25

So right now Im at 105. Ughh I didnt want to go over 100. No more food! Not even coffee!!! Just diet coke and water.

I love you Ana!!!!!

Compromising... and New Pics!

I've decided to try to eat a little more than usual today and tomorrow since I'm doing e tomorrow night and I want to try avoid getting sick as much as possible. Today:

Large bowl of raisin bran with skim milk: 250

2 large glasses of skim milk: 200

1 slice of raisin bread: 80

Cheese stick: 80

Coffee with soy milk: 40

2 large slices of turkey: 30

Small dish of pasta with chicken and broccoli: 200

So thats a total of 880 so far. Not too bad for a high day. I don't like eating so much, it feels sooooo un kosher but I'm convincing myself to not feel too guilty about it. I might have some more cheese and or cereal.

I know tomorrow is going to be high as well. Mostly likely. And I will need to eat sunday to recover from the party. So I am SOOOOO fasting on monday lol.

Here are some new pics of my progress:

Don't Date Guys, Date Ana!

SO, I'm going to be staying with friends this entire weekend at my best friends college. I wonder how much people are going to harass me and Monica about eating. Hopefully not too much. One of my friends has started to say she thinks I really have a problem because I was explaining how Ana is a control issue for me. But for the most part I haven't really been given a hard time about it. Most people don't know. I always make up great stories to people about what I've eaten. Or my favorite, especially when I smoke with people and they start to say they have the munchies I always play along. I say something like yeah I can't wait to get home, I'm so hungry, I'm going to cook some chicken and rice. Or I can't wait to eat these cookies I have at home. Stuff like that. It makes me feel like I'm a normal person lol. But Angie says she wants to join Ana too, and nicki called me last night talking about she wants to loose weight now too (which is ridiculous because she weighs nearly 10 pounds less than I do) so maybe everyone is going to jump aboard.

Would I recommend Ana to my friends? Honestly? I would. To some of them. Yes, I do get a little worried about how caught up I'm getting with it but they are much worse things we could all be caught up in. Like these fucking asshole boys that consume our lives, tear down our self esteem and destroy our focus. Ana teaches you other people's dissapointments don't matter. You learn to count on yourself. You learn you can make your own happiness. Plus all the anger and sadness you feel can be channeled into working hard towards Ana, and therefore yourself. Angry because the love of your life just put up new pics with this new girl on facebook? Don't punch the wall, don't cry, don't send angry texts. Instead work out. Exercise releases endorphins and removes the bad chemicals stress puts in your body. When you get stressed out, your flight-or-fight response kicks in except you don't actually fight or run away to burn off that extra produced energy. So it sits in your body and literally makes you sick. Exercise works that all off and makes you feel happy. Plus as soon as you start seeing results, you will care less and less about the assholes fucking you over.

So if relationships just aren't working out for you right now, don't date men. Date Ana! She will never ever let you down!

So anyway,  yesterday not so good.... I ate:

Go Lean Crunch (1/2 cup) with skim 1/4 cup milk- ~115
Fruit and Yogurt Parfait w low fat granola - 190
Granola bar- 110

Thats all I ate all day and I planned to keep it that way but I caved to the munchies when I got home and between 10pm-1am I ate

Go Lean Crunch (1/2 cup) with skim 1/4 cup milk- 115
Captain crunch- 2 cups with skim milk- approx- 260
Rasin Bran- 1/2 cup with skim milk- 115
I also had a few sips of orange juice and two percent milk so lets say thats about 50

So thats a total of 850. Not as bad as I thought but still too much. Wayyyy too much. Captain Crunch is ridiculous. Theres no way I should be eating that. It has no nutritional value. UGHHH. I really should've stayed at my original 315. 315 is good. 850 is fucking terrible. 850 IS NOT ANA! Atleast not the level of Ana I aspire to.

Today I drank a muscle milk which I lovveeee. 220 calories and tons and tons of protein. I also had 1/4 pound of lean turkey slices which are 30 calories per ounce and there are 4 ounces to a pound so thats 120. So I'm at 340 for the day and NO MORE EATING!!!! Only coffee. Of course lol.

I also didn't work out at all yesterday. I walked from my house to the Fordham station which is like 1.5 miles so I guess atleast thats a little exercise. And I also walked up the stairs instead of taking the elevator (I live on 10). But baddddd of me to skip an entire day of working out.

I have dance next so we do a little work out there. Then I have to babysit and I definetely will be able to fit in some exercise then.

Enjoy the Hunger

Oh man, I fake ate soooo much yesterday. I went crazy with it. It feels so reckless to make all that food. I almost laugh to myself. I made two bagels. One with strawberry cream cheese and one with butter and boy were they good. And then when I throw the remains away in the toliet I just look at all that food that is NOT inside of my body and I feel empty and happy. I'm getting crazy lol. I enjoy the feeling of hunger. My brain relates it now with success and skininess. When I feel hungry, I feel that I'm winning. I rarely do get very hungry, but when I do, I make myself enjoy it.

Whenever you feel like giving up, stop yourself and really think. Why are you doing this? To get skinny. To help yourself. To have control of your life. And of course the difficult parts will come. You will get hungry. But remember thats all part of it! Enjoy the hunger! Don't feed yourself, feed your self esteem! Hunger=skinny=happy :)

I can't remember what I actually consumed yesterday since I fake ate so much. I ran out of the room to spit out food I took bites of when my friends were over. I know I ate two bowls of cereal- each one half cup. Im making myself measure everything now. So thats a total of 190 cals plus milk so around lets say 230 cals max. And I know I actually ate atleast one granola bar. So thats a total of atleast 340. I had two glasses of skim milk so thats about a total of 500. I don't think I actually ate anything else, unless I'm forgetting something.

I even fake ate chocolate. Wow I was so indulgant yesterday. I guess its good to cheat once in a while. Except I cheated cheating bc I didn't actually consume any of it. I want to cut down the fake eating though. I feel like it violates my ana principles of discipline and restriction. Oh well, atleast I worked out alot yesterday.

This morning for breakfast I had that high protein cereal (go lean crunch- excellent) with skim milk so lets say about 230 for breakfast. Right now I am drinking muscle milk. Omg its so amazing. 220 calories which is alot but 25 grams of protein! And tons of vitamins. Theres some fat but nearly zero saturated fat and you need to consume fat to absorb vitamins so not too bad. This is will be last thing I consume today. Except for coffee of course. I have school work and class but I'm definitely getting to the gym at some point today.

New Measurements =)

So I just measured myself and I am now:

32-25-35. That sounds so small!

I can't decide whether to eat today or not. I really have no interest in eating. But I know its not good to not eat at all because it shuts down your metabolism. Ugh this is so confusing. I think I'll just have some coffee.

I should probably write out a plan of everything I should eat for the whole week. So then I can have up and down days but still keep the entire calorie count down for the week.

I ended up eating a little yesterday. Lets see, I ended the last post saying I was at about 60 cals. I had a yogurt after that and a few bites of a granola bar. So I estimate that to be a total of around 200.

I think I might go shopping today just to see the smallest sizes I can fit in. Maybe that will cheer me up :)

Believe in Ana =)