Sweet, Sweet, Success

Sorry I haven't updated in a while! Ive been insanely busy with school, literally reading and studying non-stop. But, guess what? I reached my goal. I now weigh 119.5 pounds! My measurements are 32-24.5-35 and I am a size 2!
Finally I sound like a model!! I'm only 5' 7.5' tall but I will tell agencies or whoever that I'm 5'8. 5 foot 8, 122 lbs, size 2. Lovely! I'm not satified though. My back doesn't look thin enough and my butt and legs are still too big. Models are like 5ft9 and 110 pounds. So I need to get smaller. My new goal is 115. Yay!

Its amazing how easy this has been. I just don't want to eat. Especially since I was on adderall this entire weekend, I literally had to remind and force myself to eat here and there just to make sure I wouldn't pass out or anything.

For the past week, I haven't eaten anything other than total cereal, soy milk, yogurt and cottage cheese and coffee. I don't really care to eat anything else. I get cravings sometimes but I just think about how skinny I am now and how I got here and then the food seems disgusting to me.

I know Ive been lazy with the updates but Ive just been so busy. I really need to go put my clothes away right now and start some homework. But Im going to put up new pics soon! Promise! Maybe later today.

I had the MOST amazing time this weekend. And so much of that was due to Ana. I was wearing high heel boots and little booty shorts and I felt like a go-go dancer. I felt so skinny and confident. I danced the night away noticed how much stronger my legs were and how much better I was able to dance. It was so much fun!!!! Heres me from the party:

Everyone couldn't stop telling me how amazing my body looked and how skinny I was =) I was FINALLY that girl. The girl I always saw myself as. My legs are still too big but thats okay, I'm soooo getting there!!

So I went kind of crazy this weekend. From saturday to sunday I probably ate 2000 each day. Maybe more, maybe less. Im not too sure, I wasn't counting. I had 2 slices of pizza and a cup of ice cream and a few small pieces of birthday cake. I had other various small things. So I might have been under 2000 per day, but Im not too sure. It was a crazy weekend.

But today I weighed myself. I stepped on the scale and closed my eyes, terrified to see weight gain after my indulgence this weekend. But I opened my eyes to see 123!!!! I guess I wasn't so bad after all. Now atleast, my metabolism is probably way up from all the eating.

Yesterday, Monday, I started easing myself back into my Ana life. I ate:

1 cup Total cereal with soy milk- 150

Few bites of chedder cheese- 70

2 large glasses of soy and skim milk- 200

Granola bar- 200

Can of plain tuna in water- 80

So around 700 calories and all high protein. Not so bad. But not good enough. Today I am fasting to really kick my body into Ana mode. I want to get to 120 already!! So far I've eaten:

2 cups of coffee with skim milk- 40

Sugar free redbull- 10

Vitamin gummy bears (4)- 30

Vitamin water (1 bottle) - 25

So right now Im at 105. Ughh I didnt want to go over 100. No more food! Not even coffee!!! Just diet coke and water.

I love you Ana!!!!!

Compromising... and New Pics!

I've decided to try to eat a little more than usual today and tomorrow since I'm doing e tomorrow night and I want to try avoid getting sick as much as possible. Today:

Large bowl of raisin bran with skim milk: 250

2 large glasses of skim milk: 200

1 slice of raisin bread: 80

Cheese stick: 80

Coffee with soy milk: 40

2 large slices of turkey: 30

Small dish of pasta with chicken and broccoli: 200

So thats a total of 880 so far. Not too bad for a high day. I don't like eating so much, it feels sooooo un kosher but I'm convincing myself to not feel too guilty about it. I might have some more cheese and or cereal.

I know tomorrow is going to be high as well. Mostly likely. And I will need to eat sunday to recover from the party. So I am SOOOOO fasting on monday lol.

Here are some new pics of my progress:

Don't Date Guys, Date Ana!

SO, I'm going to be staying with friends this entire weekend at my best friends college. I wonder how much people are going to harass me and Monica about eating. Hopefully not too much. One of my friends has started to say she thinks I really have a problem because I was explaining how Ana is a control issue for me. But for the most part I haven't really been given a hard time about it. Most people don't know. I always make up great stories to people about what I've eaten. Or my favorite, especially when I smoke with people and they start to say they have the munchies I always play along. I say something like yeah I can't wait to get home, I'm so hungry, I'm going to cook some chicken and rice. Or I can't wait to eat these cookies I have at home. Stuff like that. It makes me feel like I'm a normal person lol. But Angie says she wants to join Ana too, and nicki called me last night talking about she wants to loose weight now too (which is ridiculous because she weighs nearly 10 pounds less than I do) so maybe everyone is going to jump aboard.

Would I recommend Ana to my friends? Honestly? I would. To some of them. Yes, I do get a little worried about how caught up I'm getting with it but they are much worse things we could all be caught up in. Like these fucking asshole boys that consume our lives, tear down our self esteem and destroy our focus. Ana teaches you other people's dissapointments don't matter. You learn to count on yourself. You learn you can make your own happiness. Plus all the anger and sadness you feel can be channeled into working hard towards Ana, and therefore yourself. Angry because the love of your life just put up new pics with this new girl on facebook? Don't punch the wall, don't cry, don't send angry texts. Instead work out. Exercise releases endorphins and removes the bad chemicals stress puts in your body. When you get stressed out, your flight-or-fight response kicks in except you don't actually fight or run away to burn off that extra produced energy. So it sits in your body and literally makes you sick. Exercise works that all off and makes you feel happy. Plus as soon as you start seeing results, you will care less and less about the assholes fucking you over.

So if relationships just aren't working out for you right now, don't date men. Date Ana! She will never ever let you down!

So anyway,  yesterday not so good.... I ate:

Go Lean Crunch (1/2 cup) with skim 1/4 cup milk- ~115
Fruit and Yogurt Parfait w low fat granola - 190
Granola bar- 110

Thats all I ate all day and I planned to keep it that way but I caved to the munchies when I got home and between 10pm-1am I ate

Go Lean Crunch (1/2 cup) with skim 1/4 cup milk- 115
Captain crunch- 2 cups with skim milk- approx- 260
Rasin Bran- 1/2 cup with skim milk- 115
I also had a few sips of orange juice and two percent milk so lets say thats about 50

So thats a total of 850. Not as bad as I thought but still too much. Wayyyy too much. Captain Crunch is ridiculous. Theres no way I should be eating that. It has no nutritional value. UGHHH. I really should've stayed at my original 315. 315 is good. 850 is fucking terrible. 850 IS NOT ANA! Atleast not the level of Ana I aspire to.

Today I drank a muscle milk which I lovveeee. 220 calories and tons and tons of protein. I also had 1/4 pound of lean turkey slices which are 30 calories per ounce and there are 4 ounces to a pound so thats 120. So I'm at 340 for the day and NO MORE EATING!!!! Only coffee. Of course lol.

I also didn't work out at all yesterday. I walked from my house to the Fordham station which is like 1.5 miles so I guess atleast thats a little exercise. And I also walked up the stairs instead of taking the elevator (I live on 10). But baddddd of me to skip an entire day of working out.

I have dance next so we do a little work out there. Then I have to babysit and I definetely will be able to fit in some exercise then.

Enjoy the Hunger

Oh man, I fake ate soooo much yesterday. I went crazy with it. It feels so reckless to make all that food. I almost laugh to myself. I made two bagels. One with strawberry cream cheese and one with butter and boy were they good. And then when I throw the remains away in the toliet I just look at all that food that is NOT inside of my body and I feel empty and happy. I'm getting crazy lol. I enjoy the feeling of hunger. My brain relates it now with success and skininess. When I feel hungry, I feel that I'm winning. I rarely do get very hungry, but when I do, I make myself enjoy it.

Whenever you feel like giving up, stop yourself and really think. Why are you doing this? To get skinny. To help yourself. To have control of your life. And of course the difficult parts will come. You will get hungry. But remember thats all part of it! Enjoy the hunger! Don't feed yourself, feed your self esteem! Hunger=skinny=happy :)

I can't remember what I actually consumed yesterday since I fake ate so much. I ran out of the room to spit out food I took bites of when my friends were over. I know I ate two bowls of cereal- each one half cup. Im making myself measure everything now. So thats a total of 190 cals plus milk so around lets say 230 cals max. And I know I actually ate atleast one granola bar. So thats a total of atleast 340. I had two glasses of skim milk so thats about a total of 500. I don't think I actually ate anything else, unless I'm forgetting something.

I even fake ate chocolate. Wow I was so indulgant yesterday. I guess its good to cheat once in a while. Except I cheated cheating bc I didn't actually consume any of it. I want to cut down the fake eating though. I feel like it violates my ana principles of discipline and restriction. Oh well, atleast I worked out alot yesterday.

This morning for breakfast I had that high protein cereal (go lean crunch- excellent) with skim milk so lets say about 230 for breakfast. Right now I am drinking muscle milk. Omg its so amazing. 220 calories which is alot but 25 grams of protein! And tons of vitamins. Theres some fat but nearly zero saturated fat and you need to consume fat to absorb vitamins so not too bad. This is will be last thing I consume today. Except for coffee of course. I have school work and class but I'm definitely getting to the gym at some point today.

New Measurements =)

So I just measured myself and I am now:

32-25-35. That sounds so small!

I can't decide whether to eat today or not. I really have no interest in eating. But I know its not good to not eat at all because it shuts down your metabolism. Ugh this is so confusing. I think I'll just have some coffee.

I should probably write out a plan of everything I should eat for the whole week. So then I can have up and down days but still keep the entire calorie count down for the week.

I ended up eating a little yesterday. Lets see, I ended the last post saying I was at about 60 cals. I had a yogurt after that and a few bites of a granola bar. So I estimate that to be a total of around 200.

I think I might go shopping today just to see the smallest sizes I can fit in. Maybe that will cheer me up :)

Believe in Ana =)

Stomach Shrinking =)

So I've taken all of my posts about Benji out of this blog and put it in a different blog. I'm not quite ready to talk about him just yet....

But if anyone is interested.... my other blog is prettyasporcelain.blogspot.com

Yesterday I decided to try to eat alot to boost my metabolism. Omg, I couldn't even do it. Lets see, I had about 3 bowls of cereal (high fiber high protein low fat low sugar) which was probably about 500 calories all together. Then I had two 100 pack yogurts. So thats 700. Then I had two high protein granola bars which were 110 each so thats about 920. Then I ate peanut butter chips. Alot throughout the day. And boyyyy were they good. I have no idea how much I ate. They are 80 per serving. Lets estimate 4 servings (probably way more than I actually had). So I was under 1300 for the day. But 1300 is ALOT for me these days. My stomach was KILLING me. I felt like I just ate a horse. My stomach literally can't handle that much food anymore.

I haven't eaten very much today. I had some skim milk with my coffee this morning. I had a few bites of plain yogurt with 3-4 blueberries. I had a few bites of cashews as well. And thats all. I fake ate (those who don't know, fake eating is chewing and spitting) this DELICIOUS cupcake but I got tired of going through the motions of fake eating so I just threw it out after a few chew and spits. I also fake ate some cheese which was mighty delicious but way toooo fatty for me to actually allow in my body.

I got some exercise in today while I was babysitting. I'm going to do some more leg lifts when I'm done with this post.

I estimate that I probably have consumed around 70 calories today. I will try to not eat anything else.  I found out my Nicki weighs about 116 pounds. She is about my height and has a perfect body. So I am setting a new goal of 118 (I'm taller than her). Wish me luck!!

Bikini =)

Pictures taken last night with my webcam...

Getting sooo close. Had two bowls of heatlhy cereal with skim milk. High protein, high fiber, low fat and low calories. Worked out a little, about to do some more now.

Its Saturday. I'm invited to a party at school but I don't really want to go. I'm also invited to VIP at m2 tonight but I don't feel like it either. I wish I was at his house...

I wrote him an email asking alot of the questions I wanted to know. That was two days ago...

I don't know what to do with myself....

I don't know where I'd be without you Ana.

So Happy :)

I was at around 138 when I started Ana, and that was only 3-4 weeks ago. I'm so fucking happy!!! Nearly 15 fucking pounds off my body is worth starving for :)

I don't even like eating. I swear, I have to force myself to eat things just to keep sustenance. I went for the whole day yesterday with only a protein bar which was 140 calories and a veggie burger patty which was also only 140. So thats 240 for the day. I wasn't hungry but I felt sooo dizzy near bed time so I ate two small bowls of cereal (healthy, high grain- only 120 calories per serving). I also then remembered I have already had an iron deficiency before I even started Ana, which must be getting much worse. I'm freezing all the time. So I figured I should try eating some meat, I ate a piece of liverwurst which I believe (gunna check now) has high iron. I'm getting so crazy, I feel guilty about eating even when I know I should be eating it. But yeah yesterday was probably around 600-700 calories.

Today I had an iced coffee (skim milk and splenda or course) at McDonalds so thats probably around 20 calories and a fruit and yogurt parfait which was actually delicious!! It has strawberries and blueberries and low fat yogurt and low fat granola. Soooo yummy and 160 calories. I just ate this super healthy protein fiber antioxidant bar which is 180 cals. So thats 360. I would like to try to keep it at that. We'll see how it goes.

Update

Personal life is fucking sucking..... I am taking out almost all mention of my struggles with my ex and putting them in a new blog bc I want to keep this strictly an Ana blog... if anyone is interested its prettyasporcelain.blogspot.com


My breakfast was about 250 calories and all very healthy. For lunch I had turkey and swiss with tomato and honey mustard on a whole wheat wrap. I didn't eat all of it but I did finish most of it. I guesstimate it to be no more than 350. So Im somewhere between 600-700. I think thats quite enough for the day. No more food for the day.

Be strong and believe in Ana!!!!

The Day After

Fasting is so great. I woke up feeling sooo skinny. I woke up extra early today to get to school (I should be studying right now and NOT blogging, it'll be quick!) and have breakfast. I had coffee with skim milk and splenda, 1/3 of an everything bagel (no butter of course), a 100 calorie pack yogurt, and 3 slices of turkey. All high protein and totals to about 260 calories. =)

My body was totally meant to be skinny. My legs are finally noticably getting smaller. I'm loving this! I look so much cuter smaller =) =) =)

Fast Complete!

I did it! I went the entire day without eating one thing. And you know what? I'm not even hungry!!!

I bought this really ghetto scale from "El Mundo" for 6 dollars so I'm not sure how well it works. But it just told me I weigh 125 pounds. I refuse to believe it! Thats too good to be true lol. I'm going to place my official weight at 126 until I know for sure. But even 126 is amazing =)

Tomorrow is going to be a busy busy day. I have to be at school as early as possible to work on this project. Then 3 classes in a row. Then I have to meet my group partners to work on our project (part of which is due tomorrow night) and another class, then meeting one of the attorneys to work on a direct for mock trial. Then maybe I have an hour off (for the gym) and then I have actual Mock Trial practice from 6:30-9:30. I love love love busy days like that. No time to think about Benji and no time to eat :)

Gotta go to bed!

I'm at about 20 calories for the day. Happy and busy. No fucking idea why I can't get him off my mind today... Grrr.

Busy busy busy. In the middle of a 3 hour mock trial meeting and then I have another meeting at 5 and then ANOTHER one at 7:30. No food today :)

Down to a 3 =)

I suck soooooo much. Didn't come close to fasting. I lasted until about 7pm. Then Thomas brought me into Chipotle and I couldn't help myself. The salad was only 380 calories bc I didn't use any dressing or cheese and plus I didn't eat all of it but it had a TON of sodium. I'm already on my period too, so I probably have like close to 3 or 4 pounds of fucking water weight.

Then I ate another salad at home but it was only like 15 calories because it was basically just lettuce and shaved carrots with calorie free dressing.

Then a 100 calorie low sugar yogurt. Another coffee. So far, so good. Still under 500. But then I fuckign ate the cereal again!!!! DAMNIT! I have no fucking will power. I am fasting today. For sure. No excuses. Be strong Amanda!!!

I went shopping yesterday and bought size 3 jeans for the first time in my life! Can you believeee I was an 11 once upon a time?? I think I was probably a 7 like 3 weeks ago. Ahhh success. My goal is to fit comfortably in a size 1.

Going to school early to go to the gym. I'll keep updating.


Yesterday was terrible by the way. I couldn't stop myself from crying a few times. I hate crying in front of people. I started crying in Chipotle. I started crying on the train on the way home. And I cried myself to sleep. That last post was from my phone when I was in bed trying to fall asleep...

My First Fast

I hate myself right now!!! I was soooo good yesterday. I worked out really hard. I was at about 500 calories. Then I fucking ate two big bowls of cereal. Not low calorie cereal either. I don't even want to count the calories. UGHHH. That probably put me over 1000 for the day. FUCKKKK.

Well in honor of Benji and our anniversary (today would have been the year anniversary of our first date), I am fasting today. I am allotting myself 50 calories for coffee and redbull but thats it. This is my first fast. Wish me luck!!!

Revenge is Sweet, Success is Sweeter

Because revenge is sweet
But success is sweeter
Take the salt from my wounds
and put it in my margarita
I'm the new kid on the candy store
By the time you want me back
I won't want you anymore

Success is sweet. Sooo sweet. I just measured myself for the first time in over a week because I was getting frustrated I wasn't seeing any changes. But I am now!! Before my measurements were 36-27-37.5 (ick!)

Now they are 33 (I know my poor boobs are just disappearing- but I actually think they look great at this size! Theyre all small and perky and cute!) 25-36. Thats three inches from my bust, two from my waist and one and a half from my hips. My legs and butt are sooooo frustrating. Everything else- my arms, my stomach, my back, everything is looking nice and skinny. Except my ass and my thighs.

Oh well, I'll get there! I was under 600 yesterday which is pretty good =) I'm going to finish my coffee then work out. Today is my mommys bday. I'm taking her out to dinner with Thomas. They both suspect my eating disorder and complain about it.... how am I going to get out of this one? Maybe I'll get a turkey burger or chicken breast and just eat it without the bread and only eat like half. That sounds good.

Okay time to finish my coffee and do some work outs! Ttyl

Enjoy the Struggle

I was just reading this pro-ana blog, and this one line just hit me. She said why not enjoy the struggle? I don't know why, but that was so inspirational to me. This is what she says:

"Why not learn to enjoy the struggle?And I do enjoy it. The obsession, the romance, the idealism, all appeal to me. It gives me something to focus on, something to be good at, something to be mine and mine alone. Others may judge me for it, because they wouldn't want to dedicate their lives to the same things, but how does that make me "wrong"?"
http://yummy-secrets.blogspot.com/

Wow. But its true. Ana is a romance. Ana is like the girl thats bad to you and hurts you but you're obsessed with her and no matter how much she hurts you, you can't stop chasing her. Its the chase thats appealing.

Quick Update

I have been feeling really positive lately. Despite the fact that my whole world has been falling apart. I have no idea why.

It must be from working out. Dude working out is so amazing. Its like prozac. I was so tired and kind of sad before I came to work. But then Jade left with Michelle and Caitlin was taking a nap (I babysit- Michelle is the mom and J&C are the kids) so I had over an hour with nothing to do. So I did 3 sets of 25 push ups (against the couch lol) and then 3 sets of 100 side leg lifts (50 per leg) and 3 more sets of 100 back leg lifts.

I ate this really healthy protein bar which is 180 calories and then I had a few slices of turkey breast which are only 10 calories per slice and high protein. But a ton of sodium so I'm chugging water. I fake ate a lean cuisine meal and fake ate some chicken. I also had a few small pieces of broccoli. I should be under 300 calories. I'm going to try really hard to not eat anything else for the rest of the day.

The girls are watching a show so I'm going to try to sneak in some crunches. Ttyl.

Progress

Here are some pictures of my progress....

You can see some of my thinspo on my bookcase in the last pic. And the gray frame is the one with Benjis pic...

Princess Dress

 Mock Trial dinner is in about 3 hours. Shit, what am I going to do about dinner? I can't eat at that diner!! And Adam is already suspicious. I'll just order salad and eat it without dressing...

I see my progress everyday. I put on this princess dress that Benji bought me for new years last year. Even back then, when I was at my thinnest (before now of course), that dress was very very tight on me. I had to come out of the dressing room to have Benji zip it for me. It was hard to close all the way. But now, I just put it on and I can zip it up myself!! No problem at all! If anything, its very slightly big on me!!! Its not tight at all! I danced around in it and I must say, it cheered me up alot!

Down to 128

I ate a half a cup of granola for breakfast. Not the best. Like 240 calories with skim mlik. But I did 350 crunches, a ton of pushups and a ton of two different kinds of leg lifts. I also lifted weights for a while. I had a really good workout this morning. So thats good. And then I ate most of this health bar which was another 200 calories. I also fake ate some Mc Donalds. Fake eating saves my life.

I'm down to 128. I've lost 10 pounds since my ex boyfriend started ignoring me. Thats when it started. You know, that shit fucking hurt like hell and tore me to pieces but without that experience I would have never truely found Ana.

The Only Freedom Left

Whenever I think of my ex and how much I miss him, I just work out to take my mind off it. . I wake up in the morning and wonder if he texts her good morning now instead of me, and then I want to slap myself for not being strong and allowing myself to think about that. I put on my headphones and raise the volume so I can't hear my thoughts. And I do pushups against my windowsill or crunches or lift weights without my clothes on and stare at myself in the mirror. "Getting skinny is the best revenge" That's me and Monica's self made ana-quote.

My desk and bookshelves are covered in thinspo. I have cut out pictures of models and ana-girls in bikinis taped all over. I also made a bunch of signs with motivational quotes written on them: "Starving hurts, but hunger works", "Everytime you say no thank you to food, you say yes please to THIN", "Starving isn't pain, it's the cure" and so on. I have lots of signs telling myself to be strong. Strength has become a very important issue to me.

My favorite quote is the inspiration for my blog title. "The only freedom left, is the freedom to starve". Every thing else in life that is supposed to make me happy can be taken away from me.

Think you have a loving happy family with parents who love you and take care of you? Well that can be taken from you. Your parents could die. Your family can get torn apart.

Think you have great awesome friends? Do you love your bestfriend? That can be taken from you. Your best friend can stab you in the back. Your friends can let you down and disappoint you.

Think you have a wonderful boyfriend? Do you know in your heart of hearts that you love him and he loves you and he would never ever let you down and you could trust him with your life and you know hes the man youre going to marry and you even have your future children named? Well guess the fuck what?

One day your amazing boyfriend might wake up and discover a new pretty girl without all the emotional baggage and he might just not rememeber why he told you he was in love with you a week ago. One day he might just do something and make you understand he just doesn't love you anymore. Like ignore you for 8 straight days completely out of the blue because he's having sex with someone else and then he tries to have sex with you the next time he sees you and when you see the condoms you knew weren't there before, you start crying because you think hes broken the one connection you two never broke before, and then he notices your tears but tries to get you to not stop having sex with him and he tells you to lay back down so he can keep fucking you even though your face is covered with tears mascara and snot. And then maybe, just like that, you mean NOTHING to him anymore.

Maybe you have a team you belong to, that just means the world to you. Everything else in your life has been sucking so you cant wait for your new season to start so your life can have purpose again. Except you don't make the fucking team. Even though you tried your best and you were sure you had it.

Everything that makes you happy can be taken from you. Except perfecting your body. No one can stop me from having the perfect body. No one can stop me from exercising. No one can force me to eat. No one can stop me from spitting the food I eat right back out. Ana is my last freedom. My very last freedom.

I ride my bike uphill on the hardest gear and I think of Benji looking at that girl the way he used to look at me. I think of him kissing her and being naked with her. I think of him calling her gorgeous and I scream out loud. I stand up on my bike and pedal harder and harder until Im groaning with every movement and my legs are burning and I start to feel dizzy. I turn up my music and keep riding. And then it passes. I forget.

Sometimes I am really happy. Like really really happy. Happier than I can remember being in a long time. Its all due to Ana. Ana reminds me that I can be a strong person.

Go ahead, don't believe in me. Think I'm weak. Think I'm immature. Think I'm going to fail. I'll fucking show you.

I look into the mirror and love myself. I know how pretty I am. Not just pretty. I know I'm gorgeous. I know I'm special. And now with Ana, I'm going to be perfect. Nothing can stop me. I see my body transforming before my eyes. I see my arms getting smaller. I see abs forming. I feel amazing. I have more energy and just feel better about myself. See Amanda, you never really needed anybody. You are doing this all on your own.

Ana is my very last Freedom and I'm not giving her up.