The Only Freedom Left

Whenever I think of my ex and how much I miss him, I just work out to take my mind off it. . I wake up in the morning and wonder if he texts her good morning now instead of me, and then I want to slap myself for not being strong and allowing myself to think about that. I put on my headphones and raise the volume so I can't hear my thoughts. And I do pushups against my windowsill or crunches or lift weights without my clothes on and stare at myself in the mirror. "Getting skinny is the best revenge" That's me and Monica's self made ana-quote.

My desk and bookshelves are covered in thinspo. I have cut out pictures of models and ana-girls in bikinis taped all over. I also made a bunch of signs with motivational quotes written on them: "Starving hurts, but hunger works", "Everytime you say no thank you to food, you say yes please to THIN", "Starving isn't pain, it's the cure" and so on. I have lots of signs telling myself to be strong. Strength has become a very important issue to me.

My favorite quote is the inspiration for my blog title. "The only freedom left, is the freedom to starve". Every thing else in life that is supposed to make me happy can be taken away from me.

Think you have a loving happy family with parents who love you and take care of you? Well that can be taken from you. Your parents could die. Your family can get torn apart.

Think you have great awesome friends? Do you love your bestfriend? That can be taken from you. Your best friend can stab you in the back. Your friends can let you down and disappoint you.

Think you have a wonderful boyfriend? Do you know in your heart of hearts that you love him and he loves you and he would never ever let you down and you could trust him with your life and you know hes the man youre going to marry and you even have your future children named? Well guess the fuck what?

One day your amazing boyfriend might wake up and discover a new pretty girl without all the emotional baggage and he might just not rememeber why he told you he was in love with you a week ago. One day he might just do something and make you understand he just doesn't love you anymore. Like ignore you for 8 straight days completely out of the blue because he's having sex with someone else and then he tries to have sex with you the next time he sees you and when you see the condoms you knew weren't there before, you start crying because you think hes broken the one connection you two never broke before, and then he notices your tears but tries to get you to not stop having sex with him and he tells you to lay back down so he can keep fucking you even though your face is covered with tears mascara and snot. And then maybe, just like that, you mean NOTHING to him anymore.

Maybe you have a team you belong to, that just means the world to you. Everything else in your life has been sucking so you cant wait for your new season to start so your life can have purpose again. Except you don't make the fucking team. Even though you tried your best and you were sure you had it.

Everything that makes you happy can be taken from you. Except perfecting your body. No one can stop me from having the perfect body. No one can stop me from exercising. No one can force me to eat. No one can stop me from spitting the food I eat right back out. Ana is my last freedom. My very last freedom.

I ride my bike uphill on the hardest gear and I think of Benji looking at that girl the way he used to look at me. I think of him kissing her and being naked with her. I think of him calling her gorgeous and I scream out loud. I stand up on my bike and pedal harder and harder until Im groaning with every movement and my legs are burning and I start to feel dizzy. I turn up my music and keep riding. And then it passes. I forget.

Sometimes I am really happy. Like really really happy. Happier than I can remember being in a long time. Its all due to Ana. Ana reminds me that I can be a strong person.

Go ahead, don't believe in me. Think I'm weak. Think I'm immature. Think I'm going to fail. I'll fucking show you.

I look into the mirror and love myself. I know how pretty I am. Not just pretty. I know I'm gorgeous. I know I'm special. And now with Ana, I'm going to be perfect. Nothing can stop me. I see my body transforming before my eyes. I see my arms getting smaller. I see abs forming. I feel amazing. I have more energy and just feel better about myself. See Amanda, you never really needed anybody. You are doing this all on your own.

Ana is my very last Freedom and I'm not giving her up.